Dear Editor,
Please consider for publication this short article featuring relationships. I assure you it is original and has never been published or submitted elsewhere for publication. I am a 70 year old retired, bankrupt physician, content to write a lot of prose and poetry, and do my photography, painting and pottery, the 5 p’s. Also, I still bicycle, sometimes 60 miles in one day, say from
If you would like, you may view my hundreds of poems posted at www.Poetry.com, where I have been awarded several Editor’s Choices Awards, by the International Society for Poetry and have been featured in their coffee table books, CD’s and greeting cards. I’ve been writing poetry and prose ever since I can remember.
Thank you in advance for your kind consideration. I have given the article a simple copywrite. Certainly you have my permission to publish it. Should there be any question in this regard, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Sincerely,
Izzy Sommers, MD
MEN AND WOMEN ARE EARTHLINGS
THEY ARE NOT MARTIANS OR VENUTIANS
An Article
By Izzy Sommers
Submitted to Cosmopolitan
I’m sure that this viewpoint has already been written, in some form or other. It may not have been submitted or published. It’s in the bible, most notably in the section with one of the lamenting prophets, Habakkuk. Aristotle was supposed to have lamented on his troubles with men and women, and his misbehaving teenage son. Shakespeare offers the lament of Shylock in his Merchant of Venus. Shylock responds to criticisms by Portia, the female lawyer opposing him. Shylock apparently had the affrontary to demand repayment for some reason or other which is translated dramatically into a pound of flesh. The metaphor, like a lot of Shakespeare’s metaphors, is still used today. Shylock defends himself as a worthwhile person who is worthy of demanding appropriate payment for his goods or services. He says, “Do I not bleed when I am cut?” It is worthwhile repeating. My appeal to the latter day Portias of the world is the following:
“Humans of the female persuasion, do I not bleed when I am cut? Do I not cry out, or sob silently, when I am hurt? Do I not fart when I eat a meal rich in cholesterol and other essential fatty substances, like butter and the large strip of fat on steak or pork chop? Do I not belch when I drink beer too quickly? Do I not jump for joy when I get something that I’ve wanted for a while, even a short while? Do I not dance like a Whirling Dervish when I am induced to do so by the music and the woman with whom I am? Do I not wrestle with my fellow fellows when the occasion arises, drunk or sober? Do I not relax and snooze on the coach in front of the television set, at any time of the day or night, that my significant other allows me? Do I not get heavier year by year and have, thereby a bigger and bigger belly? Do I not shirk the housework and yard work and my real work whenever I am able, and boast to my friends about it? Do I not seem to notice a new dress or a new piece of jewelry or the loss of several pounds in the stomach and derriere? Do I not argue about money, politics, sex, religion and the size and shape of the Blue Jays hats each year, and as often in the interval as necessary to express my not so worthwhile point of view?” Do I not seem to demand sex at least one more time per year than you do?”
It may not surprise you to know that some women claim they never belch or pass wind. They say, literally, “Never!” However, on an unofficial survey done over the last few years, I have found a remarkable and promising surprise: They are obliged to do so to prevent spontaneous discombobulation and explosion. I’m 70 these days and have little time to do many things other than think about my broken relationships and how I could have prevented or repaired them. Perhaps I’m wasting my time. The surprise is that this lament is now easily seen as a woman’s as well as a man’s. Perhaps 100 years ago it would have been impossibility. I’m not so sure. If William Shakespeare, some 500 years ago, had the insight to make Shylock’s opposing lawyer a woman, then he might have foreseen that Shylock’s speech was not necessarily only a man’s. In fact, lamenting is more characteristically a female characteristic.
Therefore, I suggest to you, humans of the female persuasion, that your lament is exactly like a man’s. It might read as follows:
“Humans of the male persuasion… do I not bleed when I am cut? Do I not sob silently or cry out when I am hurt? Do I not fart when I eat a meal rich in cholesterol and other essential fatty substances, like butter and the large strip of fat on a steak or on a pork chop? Do I not politely turn my head and cover my mouth with my fist and belch when I drink beer too quickly? Do I not jump for joy when I get something that I’ve wanted for a while, even a short while? Do I not dance like a Whirling Dervish when I am induced to do so by the music and the man or woman with whom I am? Do I not scratch and pull hair with my sister sisters when the occasion arises, drunk or sober? Do I not relax and snooze on the coach in front of the television set, at any time of the day or night, that my significant other allows me? Do I not get heavier year by year and have, thereby a bigger and bigger belly and derriere? Do I not shirk the housework and yard work and my real work whenever I am able, and boast to my friends about it? Do I not seem to notice a new shirt or a new watch or the loss of several pounds in the stomach and derriere? Do I not argue about money, politics, sex, religion and the size and shape of Oprah’s breasts each year, and as often in the interval as necessary to express my not so worthwhile point of view?” Do I not seem to demand hugging at least a hundred more times per year than you do?”
I’m fairly positive that statistics done by sociologists and psychologists and physicians and the staff at Cosmopolitan will bear me out. If not, I stand down and offer you my pound of flesh, so long as you can remove it without my losing any blood. I’m not so insecure that I don’t admit crying at weddings and movies, often embarrassing my closest friends. I also admit that in my day, I was a “super athlete.” I played on varsity teams and many intramural teams in high school and university. I was at least as proud of my Medical Athletic Letter and Pewter Mug as I was of my Medical Degree and my Oath of Hippocrates. As a former Physician and Surgeon, I claim that I sew better than most women; actually, my mother was a Master Seamstress and showed me the subtle invisible stitch and running mattress stitch, later to be used in humans with success. I can certainly carve a turkey or a roast with the best of woman knife-wielders and food-carvers. As to hugging, kissing and making out, I believe the facts speak for themselves: I find pleasure in holding hands and hugging as much as I love the other sexual activity.
Do I speak for all men? NO! Does my female side resemble all other female sides in males and females? NO! Is this article worth writing? Yes, I think so. Is it worth reading? Probably. Is it worth publishing as an article or as a letter to the editor, the latter of which involves no exchanges of money? Maybe, to the former… Yes, to the latter. Does this help to resolve the eternal struggle between males and females? NEVER in a billion years, more or less!
Thank you for listening.
THE END
©Izzy Sommers
Tax crunch time, 2008
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